Dear Chris...
Dear Chris:
There is so much that sucks about this.
One of the things that sucks the most is that my brain won’t even let me remember what was good about us. I know my mind is protecting me, and that if I start to let myself remember the love and hope and effort I put into you as my husband and my friend and partner, I would have a damn hard time functioning like a normal person. And I need like hell to function like a normal person. I’m a single mom.
So part of me died when you died. When you made yourself die, you made part of me die.
That doesn’t seem fair, but our relationship was never about fairness. It was about you being you, but not telling me who you really were, and me seeing your unhappiness and thinking it was my fault, or that I could fix it by being better. It was about me always trying to be better, to be everything, so that you could be less unhappy.
That’s most of what I remember. The kids ask me questions about certain moments when you were still their father and I recall them but not completely. I look at photos of you with our babies and I recognize you but not completely. I am celebrating birthdays and holidays with the kids and they feel like celebrations but not completely. Nothing is complete because we were five, and you were their daddy, and now we are four, and they have no daddy.
I am mad at you. I am sad for you. I am sorry I never knew you completely because you didn’t want me to know you. And now I can’t even remember you because my brain won’t let me.
There is so much that sucks about this.
There is so much that sucks about this.
One of the things that sucks the most is that my brain won’t even let me remember what was good about us. I know my mind is protecting me, and that if I start to let myself remember the love and hope and effort I put into you as my husband and my friend and partner, I would have a damn hard time functioning like a normal person. And I need like hell to function like a normal person. I’m a single mom.
So part of me died when you died. When you made yourself die, you made part of me die.
That doesn’t seem fair, but our relationship was never about fairness. It was about you being you, but not telling me who you really were, and me seeing your unhappiness and thinking it was my fault, or that I could fix it by being better. It was about me always trying to be better, to be everything, so that you could be less unhappy.
That’s most of what I remember. The kids ask me questions about certain moments when you were still their father and I recall them but not completely. I look at photos of you with our babies and I recognize you but not completely. I am celebrating birthdays and holidays with the kids and they feel like celebrations but not completely. Nothing is complete because we were five, and you were their daddy, and now we are four, and they have no daddy.
I am mad at you. I am sad for you. I am sorry I never knew you completely because you didn’t want me to know you. And now I can’t even remember you because my brain won’t let me.
There is so much that sucks about this.
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